sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals