no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream