Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men