Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
