He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
