Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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