I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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