if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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