don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
As shirtless as possible
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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