I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
