The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
