We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
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If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
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I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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