Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
