I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
