No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
