Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
