If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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