i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
