no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
