Your face is a jimmy john
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
