Your dad touched me again.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
