My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
