there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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