just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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