he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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