Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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