I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
