Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
