Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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