You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
