So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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