she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I want to fling myself into the sun
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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