Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
