I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
