I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
