Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
