I wish you could order shots online.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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