Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
