Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
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look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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