Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
