You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
