if i can run in heels then i can drive
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
