I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
