I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
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also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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