I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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