I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am one with the molecules
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?