The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
