I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
