I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
