she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
