And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
