i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
