Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
