I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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