i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
