the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
