drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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